


you were always an island

by glittermerm



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-02-04 08:44:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18601051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glittermerm/pseuds/glittermerm
Summary: “just as friends right?”





	you were always an island

Junhoe doesn’t notice the way Jiwon looks at him, like he’s hung the stars in the sky. In fact, Junhoe rarely notices Jiwon at all. And as he does with everything, Jiwon laughs it off. They go on shows, talk about how awkward they are, how they can’t look each other in the eye. Jiwon wonders if Junhoe can feel his frantic heartbeat in his sweaty palms. Junhoe looks away immediately, cackling. Jiwon laughs to cover the fact that he wants to drown in those eyes. 

It’s late one night, and he’s curled up in Hanbin’s bed, head pillowed on Hanbin’s chest. Hanbin’s fingers are tangled in his curls, running his fingers through Jiwon’s hair as he drifts closer to sleep. It’s a comfort thing, one they’ve done for as long as they can remember. The only thing missing is Jinhwan laying across them like a blanket. He’s probably in Junhoe’s room, Jiwon thinks, a bitter taste in his mouth. 

Thoughts of Junhoe keep Jiwon from sleep. “‘Bin?” he whispers. Hanbin’s hand has stilled, still on Jiwon’s head, and he doesn’t want to wake him if he’s fallen asleep. 

Hanbin stirs, fingers resuming their path through Jiwon’s hair. “Hmm?” he mumbles, more asleep than awake. 

“Have you ever been in love?” he asks, staring at the wall. 

Hanbin laughs softly. “You know I have,” he says.

“What do you do when they don’t love you back?” Jiwon asks. He can feel Hanbin’s shrug. 

“Depends. Suck it up and get over it sometimes. Other times I realize it was just infatuation. When neither of those work, I usually lock myself in the studio and pour my heart out. Or cry, crying is always good,” Hanbin answers. “What’s this about?” he asks, tipping Jiwon’s chin up to look him in the eyes. 

It’s Jiwon’s turn to shrug. “No one in particular, I was just wondering,” he says, burrowing his face back into Hanbin’s chest. Hanbin hums, unconvinced, but resumes playing with Jiwon’s hair until he feels the tension drain out of the other’s body, and hears the sound of his breath evening out. Then he gives himself over to sleep. 

Jiwon tries to put Junhoe out of his mind. It’s easier said than done when they’re in the same group. He sticks to Hanbin’s side like glue, spends his time bickering with Donghyuk. He tries not to think of Jinhwan and Junhoe whispering to each other, of their little touches. 

It doesn’t work. Junhoe occupies his every waking thought. He takes Hanbin’s advice and locks himself in the studio. The music flows off his fingers, and the hours pass like water down the stream. Hanbin or Donghyuk join him sometimes. Hanbin especially doesn’t mind spending late nights. They sit huddled together, working on song after song, critiquing and praising each other. They fall asleep more often than not, curled up on the couch. They miss the looks the others give them when they emerge, looking disheveled. And for once, Jiwon misses the way Junhoe looks at him.

Jinhwan joins him one day in the studio, and Jiwon finds himself irritated for a reason he can’t place. Jinhwan is being overly critical, picking apart the song he’s working on, a song he wrote with Junhoe in mind. 

“Don’t you have somewhere else to be?” Jiwon snaps eventually when he’s had enough of Jinhwan’s snarky comments. 

Jinhwan fixes him with a stare. “Don’t forget your manners, Jiwon,” he says, a dangerous tone to his voice. 

“Fine,” Jiwon snaps. “Go away, hyung.” He turns back to the computer and doesn’t see the anger in Jinhwan’s eyes. 

“Not until you tell me what’s going on,” Jinhwan says, shoving Jiwon slightly until he turns to look at Jinhwan. 

“What are you talking about?” Jiwon huffs, irritated. 

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Jinhwan says, forcibly turning Jiwon’s chair. Jiwon rolls his eyes.

“Not everything is about you Jinhwan,” he says.

“You’ve been avoiding everyone except Hanbin and Donghyuk,” he amends, tone softening. “What’s going on Jiwon?”

Jiwon scrubs a hand through his hair. “Nothing, Jinan. I’m just busy. It’s nothing against you, it’s just,” he trails off.

“Just what?” Jinhwan prompts. 

“Just nothing,” Jiwon says, closing off, as he turns back to the computer screen. 

“I’ll leave it to you then,” Jinhwan says, standing up. He vows to keep an eye on Jiwon, he’s worried about him.

It’s a few days later, and Jiwon is feeling a little better. He’s poured most of his immediate feelings into a couple songs. He plays them for Hanbin, who praises them, but gives him a weird look. Jiwon doesn’t notice.

“Jiwon hyung, can I ask you a question,” Chanwoo asks as the pair of them sit in the living room, playing video games.

“Shoot,” Jiwon answers, eyes boring into the television. 

“Why are you and Junhoe so awkward?” he asks.

Jiwon shouts at the TV as his character dies, it gives him time to stall. “Because Junhoe is a weirdo,” he says finally.

“You didn’t use to be like that though,” Chanwoo says, killing Jiwon a second time, earning a kick. Chanwoo laughs. “During Mix and Match you guys were close. What changed?”

“Why so curious, kid?” Jiwon deflects.

“I was just wondering,” Chanwoo answers. “Lately it’s like you guys can’t stand being in the same room, and I was just wondering,” he repeats, with a shrug of his shoulder.

“Don’t make it sound like I hate him,” Jiwon furrows his brows.

“Stop acting like it then,” Chanwoo snorts. Jiwon kicks him again, and it devolves into a wrestling match. Jiwon has Chanwoo pinned to the floor, hovering above him when Junhoe walks into the room. They both miss the flare of something in his eyes. Chanwoo looks up in time to see him look confused and possibly scandalized.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt,” Junhoe says, turning to leave. 

“Interrupt what?” Chanwoo snorts, shoving Jiwon off, who rolls off to the side, winded.

“Whatever you were doing,” Junhoe says, shuffling awkwardly.

Chanwoo rolls his eyes as he climbs to his feet. “You two are fucking weird. Figure your shit out,” he says, strolling out of the room. 

Jiwon sits up, looking up at Junhoe. “Hi,” he says.

“Hi,” Junhoe answers. They lapse into an awkward silence. 

“I should go,” Junhoe says, turning to leave.

“Don’t,” Jiwon says, quickly. “You don’t have to,” he amends.

“Oh,” Junhoe says, scuffing his foot against the floor. “Okay.”

“Wanna watch a movie?” Jiwon tries.

“Uh yeah, sure,” Junhoe answers, moving to sit gingerly on the couch, like he’s scared Jiwon will change his mind and kick him out. 

Jiwon climbs off the floor and settles on the other side of the couch. They scroll through the channels until they both agree on something. Jiwon leans his body away from Junhoe even though they’re on opposite ends and not touching. Junhoe frowns, but hides it when Jiwon’s eyes flick his way. 

They end up sitting that way for hours, as the light fades outside, leaving the room dark. They’ve begun to migrate closer to each other. Their shoulders brush and they jump as if they’ve been shocked, making space between them again. Before long though Junhoe’s eyes begin to droop, and his head falls to the side, landing on Jiwon’s shoulder.

Jiwon’s heart thumps wildly in his chest. He turns to look at Junhoe up close, the curve of his lips, the straight line of his nose. He takes in all the features he’s been deprived of for so long. It’s been so long since they’ve been this close, and Jiwon’s heart gives a painful tug.

He’s caught staring when Junhoe opens his eyes. He doesn’t look away though, a surge of courage filling him. 

“Hmm?” Junhoe mumbles.

“You fell asleep,” Jiwon whispers. 

“Oh,” Junhoe says, but he doesn’t move, and his eyes flick to Jiwon’s lips and back up to his face. He swears Jiwon’s getting closer.

He isn’t sure who initiates it, but their lips brush, softly at first, and then with more intensity. The kisses are chaste, but they’re endless, and suddenly Jiwon is pushing Junhoe into the couch, crawling on top of him. Junhoe gasps, and Jiwon’s licks into his mouth, lowering himself so he’s laying on top of Junhoe. Junhoe grips the bottom of Jiwon’s shirt, kissing him back, tongues tangling as they kiss.

Jiwon’s hands brush Junhoe’s cheekbones, running across the soft skin there. Jiwon tilts Junhoe’s chin up so he can kiss him better, tongue sliding deeper. Junhoe moans softly into the kiss, his fingers brushing lightly just under Jiwon’s shirt. Jiwon shivers, and surges into the kiss, pouring his feelings into it.

They’re startled apart by the sound of the front door opening, and laughter. They scramble back to opposite ends of the couch. Jiwon curls in on himself, pulling his legs up onto the couch. Junhoe sits, dazed, at his end of the couch.

More laughter fills their ears as the group reaches the living room. “Oh look, you two do know the other exists,” Yunhyeong cheers.

“Shut up,” Jiwon snaps. “We’re watching a movie. Sit down or shut up.” This earns him weird looks from the trio, but they obediently file into the living room. Jinhwan flops down next to Junhoe, Hanbin next to Jiwon, and Yunhyeong flings himself onto the other couch. 

“Chanwoo, Donghyuk, come on, movie night,” he shouts. The other two appear moments later. Donghyuk flops on top of Yunhyeong with a laugh and Chanwoo settles down next to them.

It’s later that night when Jiwon seeks comfort in the form of Hanbin again. He’s curled into Hanbin’s chest, half asleep in the warm cocoon of his arms, when Hanbin speaks. 

“So is it Junhoe or Jinhwan?” he asks.

“What?” Jiwon asks, freezing in place.

“Which one are you in love with?” Hanbin probes. 

“What are you talking about?” Jiwon stutters.

“Jiwon, I know you better than anyone, don’t play stupid with me,” Hanbin says, exasperated. “I’ve seen the way you look when they’re together. And, Jinhwan said you got testy with him the other day. So, my guess is Junhoe.”

Jiwon buries his face in Hanbin’s chest instead of answering. He can feel hot tears pricking at the corner of his eyes.

Hanbin sighs, and kisses the top of Jiwon’s head.

“Be careful,” he says, smoothing Jiwon’s hair down. “I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

It’s a few days later, and Jiwon is laying on his bed, playing games on his phone. He’s distracted by a knock on his door.

“Yeah?” He calls, expecting Hanbin, begging him to go to the studio, or Donghyuk begging to go get food.

But the door opens, and Junhoe stands in the doorway, looking nervous. He shifts his weight from foot to foot, looking at the floor instead of Jiwon. “Uh, can I come in?” he asks.

“Yeah, yeah, come in,” Jiwon says hurriedly, sitting up, and making space for Junhoe to sit. He sets his phone on his nightstand as Junhoe shuts the door behind himself. He perches awkwardly on the edge of the bed, like he’s not sure whether to sit or stand.

“What,” Jiwon clears his throat. “Uh did you need something?” he asks.

Junhoe looks like he wants to run, so Jiwon reaches out, putting a hand softly on his arm. Junhoe turns to look at him. “I wanted to talk,” he says. “About the other day.”

Jiwon’s heart turns to ice. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” he says, quietly, heart breaking.

“No, no, it’s not that. You didn’t,” Junhoe says hurriedly. “It’s just, you and Hanbin,” he trails off.

Jiwon tilts his head confused. “Me and Hanbin what?” he asks.

“I don’t want to mess things up between you two,” Junhoe says.

It takes a moment to sink in, and when it does, Jiwon bursts out laughing. 

“What?” Junhoe says, eyes wide, affronted.

“There’s nothing going on between me and Hanbin. Dude, he’s my best friend,” Jiwon says, still laughing.

“But,” Junhoe stammers. “You’re always in his room, and always touching and-” he trails off.

“We’ve been best friends for years, dumbass,” Jiwon says. “Since we were kids. And you know Hanbin, he’s touchy. Besides, what about you and Jinhwan?” The last sentence comes out more bitter than he means it to.

“There’s nothing going on between me and Jinhwan. I can have a best friend too, you know,” Junhoe says, voice oddly soft, making Jiwon feel vulnerable. 

“Okay so that’s settled then,” Jiwon says, picking his phone back up to hide the fact that Junhoe is single, and Jiwon is painfully in love with him.

“Yeah, I guess,” Junhoe says, standing up. He starts for the door, but stops with his hand on the door knob. “Jiwon?”

“Hmm?” Jiwon says, paying more attention than he’s pretending to.

“Do you regret it?” Junhoe asks, staring forward at the door.

“Regret what?” he asks, knowing full well what Junhoe is talking about. 

Junhoe rolls his shoulders, uncomfortable. “You’re really gonna make me say it aren’t you?” he asks.

“Yeah, Junhoe I am,” Jiwon says, afraid Junhoe regrets it.

“Do you regret kissing me?” Junhoe asks, hand tightening on the door knob.

Jiwon is quiet for a moment, unsure how much he wants to give up. “No,” he answers finally. “No, I don’t. Why, do you?” he asks in return.

Junhoe shakes his head. “No. I, uh, I kind of want to do it again.”

Jiwon freezes, and lowers his phone, staring at the back of Junhoe’s head. “Get over here,” he says, throwing his phone on his table. Junhoe turns around, and checks to make sure Jiwon is being serious, before crossing the room in two strides. He stands unsure in front of the bed, and Jiwon takes his hand, pulling him onto the bed. He straddles Jiwon’s hips, settling in his lap. He’s so much taller than Jiwon, he has to lean down to kiss Jiwon, but he does. 

Their lips meet, and they melt into each other. It’s not the soft kisses of the day before, it’s filled with intent this time. Jiwon nips at Junhoe’s lips, and Junhoe opens to him, accepting Jiwon’s tongue in his mouth. He tangles his fingers in the curls at Jiwon’s nape, and tugs until Jiwon’s mouth is at a better angle to kiss. He pushes back, taking charge of the kiss, and Jiwon is at his mercy. 

Jiwon grips Junhoe’s hips, and pulls him close, letting Junhoe kiss him. Junhoe alternates between soft and slow and hard and needy and it’s driving Jiwon crazy. Eventually they break for air, foreheads resting together.

“What would you have done if we hadn’t been interrupted?” Junhoe muses, and Jiwon smirks, before pushing Junhoe so he’s laying back against the bed. 

“I can think of a couple of things,” Jiwon says, hovering over Junhoe. Junhoe looks up at him, breath baited, and Jiwon lowers himself, slotting his leg between Junhoe. He leans on his elbows on either side of Junhoe’s head. “How far do you want this to go?” he asks, leaning down to nibble at Junhoe’s jaw. Junhoe tilts his head, giving Jiwon better access, and he licks and nips at Junhoe’s neck. 

“Farther than this,” Junhoe groans, gripping Jiwon’s waist with one hand, and his hair with the other. He rocks his hips up against Jiwon’s leg. 

Jiwon pulls out of Junhoe’s grasp and sits back up. “Shirt off,” he orders. Junhoe pulls it off self consciously, but Jiwon is pushing him back into the bed, kissing him again. He wastes no time, sliding down Junhoe’s body. He sucks on Junhoe’s collar bones before continuing downwards. He licks at one of Junhoe’s nipples, and Junhoe shivers. Jiwon wraps his lips around the bud and sucks it into his mouth. Junhoe whimpers, his whole body quaking.

Jiwon pulls off and smirks up at Junhoe. “Somebody’s sensitive.”

Junhoe flushes pink. “You know I am,” he answers.

Jiwon doesn’t say anything, just goes back to sucking and lapping at Junhoe’s nipple. His hand comes up to caress the other, drawing more whines out of Junhoe as he rolls, and pinches Junhoe’s nipple. Junhoe is running his hand through Bobby’s hair, groaning and undulating underneath him. Jiwon can feel Junhoe’s hard on pressing against his thigh, and he begins to work his way down again.

He leaves butterfly kisses across Junhoe’s ribs, the ticklish sensation drawing an actual giggle from Junhoe’s lip. Jiwon pours his feelings into the kisses across Junhoe’s stomach. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever get to do this again, and he won’t take this opportunity for granted.

“I’m gonna take your pants off, yeah?” he asks, peering up at Junhoe. 

“Yeah,” Junhoe agrees.

Bobby unbuttons them, and pulls them and Junhoe’s boxers down far enough that he can get at Junhoe’s painfully hard dick. He can feel his mouth water, and he can’t help but lean in and lick the bead of precome spilling out of Junhoe’s slit.

Junhoe gasps, and Jiwon looks up, scared he’s gone too far, but Junhoe is looking at him with lust filled eyes, and Jiwon realizes this is exactly what he wants. He gives little kitten licks to the tip, just to watch Junhoe squirm under him. After a few moments though he takes mercy and takes Junhoe into his mouth. 

He sucks at the tip and lets a breathless Junhoe tangle his fingers in Jiwon’s hair. He sucks on the tip lightly before taking Junhoe farther in his mouth. He begins to move, bobbing his head up and down, tongue flattened against the bottom of his dick. He takes him a little deeper, swallowing around him. Junhoe’s hips stutter, gagging Jiwon for a second but he can take it. He works his way down Junhoe’s entire shaft, until it’s all in his mouth. 

He looks up, and Junhoe is staring down at him, eyes glazed and mouth open. The muscles in Jiwon’s jaw twitch and he starts moving again, never breaking eye contact. Junhoe’s moans are deep and throaty, and the way he runs his hands through Jiwon’s hair again and again is tantalizing. Junhoe makes a choked noise and suddenly he’s coming. Jiwon swallows around him again and again until he’s swallowed every last drop.

“Holy shit,” he says, falling back against the bed.

“You’re acting like that was your first blow job,” Jiwon says offhandedly. Junhoe flushes pink, the color creeping down his collarbones, and Jiwon pauses. “Wait, was it?” he asks, shocked.

“Shut up,” Junhoe mumbles.

“I’m not making fun of you,” Jiwon says crawling over him. He tilts Junhoe’s face back to him, and kisses him to distract him. “We all start somewhere,” he says, sitting back, with a shrug.

Junhoe sits up. “I wanna get you off too, but I’ve never,” he trails off.

“Come here, sit next to me,” Jiwon says, waiting until Junhoe does to push his shorts and underwear down. He takes Junhoe’s hand and wraps it around his dick. “Just like you would if you were doing it to yourself,” he coaches. 

Junhoe tentatively begins to move his hand, jerking Jiwon off slowly. “Yeah, just like that,” Jiwon encourages, leaning toward Junhoe. Junhoe slowly gains confidence, hand moving faster and more sure. Jiwon whines, and drops his head against Junhoe’s shoulder. “Yeah, yeah,” he groans, clutching Junhoe. He gasps when Junhoe twists his hand. “Fuck, yeah, do that again,” he begs, and Junhoe obliged him.

Having found a rhythm Junhoe turns Jiwon into a babbling mess. He whines and groans as Junhoe pulls him towards the edge, growing more confident with every stroke of his hand. 

“I’m gonna come,” Jiwon warns, moments before he spills, clutching Junhoe as he spills in his hand. Junhoe works him through it until Jiwon is nothing but a panting mess. Junhoe wipes his hand off on Jiwon’s shorts and Jiwon doesn’t even have the breath to yell at him for it.

They doze like that, Jiwon’s head on Junhoe’s shoulder, and Junhoe’s head on top of Jiwon’s. When they wake up, they’ve moved to laying down, Junhoe spooning Jiwon, arm slung over his waist, their pants still around their ankles.

Jiwon wakes with a yawn, and goes to stretch before he realizes Junhoe is still in his bed. He stays still, not wanting to wake Junhoe. He wants to savor this moment for as long as he can. He closes his eyes and snuggles back into Junhoe, who grips him tighter.

Eventually Junhoe wakes up though, rolling over to the other side of the bed, and pulling his pants up. Jiwon does the same, even though he’ll have to change out of his come stained shorts soon anyway. They sit up, awkwardly avoiding each other’s gaze.

“Jiwon,” he says nervously.

“Yeah?” Jiwon responds, still not looking at him. 

“Can we do that again sometime?” Junhoe asks, voice so quiet Jiwon has to struggle to hear it.

A war wages inside Jiwon. “As friends?” he asks, keeping the bitter note to himself.

“Yeah, of course,” Junhoe says. 

“Of course we can,” Jiwon says, forcing a smile onto his face. He slaps Junhoe on the shoulder. “Find me whenever you want,” he says.

“Thanks hyung,” Junhoe says awkwardly before shuffling out of the room.

Jiwon wonders why it feels like his heart just broke.

Things change. Or rather they don’t. For the most part, things stay the same. They’re still awkward, and Junhoe still shies away from him. But now Jiwon can’t stop himself from watching Junhoe when he goes, and spends too many nights with his hand fisted around his dick, thinking of Junhoe’s in his mouth.

It’s nearly two weeks later when he hears the quiet knock on his door. It’s the middle of the night, and he doesn’t expect anyone to be awake. 

“Come in,” he calls softly, and the door opens to reveal Junhoe. He looks sleep rumpled, his hair mussed and shirt all wrinkled. He’s got pillow lines on his face, and Jiwon for some reason finds it incredibly sexy. Junhoe shuts the door behind himself, and looks at Jiwon, who’s just crawled into bed.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, not being able to imagine why Junhoe would come to him. 

“Nothing,” Junhoe says quickly. Jiwon looks at him oddly, in a ‘why are you here’ kind of way. “I couldn’t sleep,” he says. 

Jiwon mentally shrugs. Junhoe gets like this sometimes, and often goes and crawls in someone else’s bed. It just hasn’t been Jiwon’s in such a long time, he thought Junhoe forgot about him. He slides over in the bed, making room for Junhoe. Junhoe hesitantly crosses the room, and climbs in the bed next to Jiwon. Jiwon settles down, his back turned to Junhoe. Junhoe wraps an arm around his waist, and slides closer until their bodies are slotted together, a perfect fit. Junhoe nuzzles his nose against the back of Jiwon’s neck, and stills.

It’s long enough later that Jiwon is sure Junhoe is asleep, when he hears the quiet voice. “Jiwon?” Junhoe whispers.

“What’s the matter?” he mumbles sleepily back.

“I was thinking about what we did,” Junhoe says, and that has Jiwon wide awake immediately. 

“Do you regret it?” Jiwon asks warily.

“No!” Junhoe says quickly. “I actually came here to ask you if I can blow you?” he says, voice hesitant, and prepared for rejection. 

Jiwon gently removes Junhoe’s arm so he can roll over, so he’s face to face with Junhoe. “Do you actually want to, or do you feel like you have to?” he asks, quelling his desire to stroke Junhoe’s face.

“I want to,” Junhoe answers. “I want you to teach me how.” Jiwon can see the eagerness in his eyes, and he can feel his dick responding.

“Well it’s not as easy as just putting someone’s dick in your mouth,” Jiwon says. “You have to get them turned on first,” he says, leaning closer to Junhoe, eyes flicking to his mouth.

Junhoe takes the hint, pulling , Jiwon’s body closer, and closing the distance between their lips. His kiss is hesitant at first but he settles into, remember the way Jiwon had kissed him. He sucks on Jiwon’s bottom lip and lightly grazes it with his teeth.

Jiwon groans. “Good,” he whispers, and Junhoe grins before pulling him back in. They kiss for what feels like forever, but also no time at all. Jiwon is making little noises as he lets Junhoe take the lead, and Junhoe is addicted.

Jiwon takes Junhoe’s hand and slides it down until he’s cupping Jiwon’s dick, and Junhoe can feel a surge of nervousness return. But Jiwon doesn’t let him panic, squeezing Junhoe’s hand around his dick through his boxers. He groans, and it incenses Junhoe who begins to move his hand over Jiwon’s clothed dick. He leans in, kissing at Jiwon’s neck while his hand moves. In a moment of bravery he slips his hand under Jiwon’s boxers, getting a proper grip on Jiwon’s dick. 

Jiwon moans and it drives Junhoe on. He jacks Jiwon off, feels him getting harder under his hand. He brushes his thumb along the slit the way he does to himself. 

“Junhoe,” Jiwon breathes. “Junhoe, I’m gonna come if you don’t stop.”

Junhoe reluctantly withdraws his hand, and Jiwon pulls him in for another kiss.

“What now?” Junhoe asks when they break apart.

Jiwon sits up and tosses his pillow on the floor. “Kneel there,” he says, as he pulls his boxers off. Junhoe obediently climbs off the bed before sinking to his knees. Jiwon settles with his legs spread, one on either side of Junhoe. Jiwon runs his fingers through Junhoe’s hair, pulling him lower. Junhoe wraps his hand around the base of Jiwon’s dick.

“Do I just suck?” he asks, sounding confused.

“Lick it first,” Jiwon says, his voice husky and thick. Junhoe leans in, dragging his tongue up Jiwon’s dick. Jiwon groans, and strokes a hand through Junhoe’s hair encouragingly. Junhoe does it once more before he licks at the tip of Jiwon’s dick. It’s salty, the taste of Jiwon, and he swirls his tongue around the head.

“Just like that,” Jiwon encourages, still stroking Junhoe’s hair. Jiwon moans when Junhoe’s wandering tongue find his slit, licking up at the bead of precome that’s formed there. The sight of Junhoe, between his legs is almost too much for Jiwon to bear.

Without prompting, Junhoe wraps his lips around the head and sucks lightly, trying to remember how Jiwon had done it for him. Jiwon rewards his with a groan, and it encourages Junhoe to try and take a little more. Jiwon hisses, and Junhoe pulls back, confused.

“Watch your teeth,” Jiwon says gently, hand cradling Junhoe’s cheek. Junhoe just nods, and goes back at it, this time taking care to keep teeth off of Jiwon’s sensitive skin. He bobs his head lightly, taking just a bit of Jiwon at a time, his other hand wrapped around the base of Jiwon’s dick. Jiwon’s soft moans fill the room, and Junhoe gets a little braver, taking Jiwon deeper. He gags, and Jiwon pulls him off his dick.

“Careful,” he says, leaning down to press a kiss against Junhoe’s mouth. “You don’t have to take it all,” he says, running a hand through Junhoe’s hair. “Take what you can and wrap your hand around the rest.”

Junhoe nods, and takes Jiwon into his mouth again. He doesn’t push himself too far this time, keeping a decent amount of Jiwon in his mouth and wrapping his hand, jerking off the rest. He bobs his head, setting a decent rhythm that has Jiwon moaning, aware of how loud he’s being in the quiet dorm. He can’t help it, having Junhoe’s mouth on his dick is a wet dream come true. 

Junhoe is bobbing his head faster, and it’s pushing Jiwon to the brink. “Fuck, Junhoe, fuck,” he groans. “Fuck I’m gonna come,” he says, pulling Junhoe off his dick just as he comes. He watches as white spatters Junhoe’s shocked face.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Jiwon apologizes, immediately reaching for a tissue, and gently cleaning Junhoe’s face off.

“That was fucking hot,” Junhoe breathes, pushing up so he can kiss Jiwon, pushing him back against the bed. Jiwon lets it go on for a little while, before rolling them over so he has Junhoe trapped underneath him, he reaches down and slips his hand into Junhoe’s boxers, wrapping his hand around Junhoe’s hard dick. 

“This okay?” Jiwon asks.

“Yeah, it’s great,” Junhoe groans as Jiwon jacks him off. It doesn’t take long, he’s so keyed up from the blowjob, that he comes in a minute, spilling over Jiwon’s hand as Jiwon swallows his moans. 

They lay side by side for awhile, before Junhoe rolls into him, resting his head on Jiwon’s shoulder. “Can I spend the night with you?” he asks, and the nervousness in his voice does something to Jiwon.

“Of course you can,” he says. “But let’s get you some fresh boxers.” He stands up, and rifles through his drawers before tossing a black pair to Junhoe who flushes.

They fall asleep that night with Jiwon’s arm wrapped around Junhoe, and Junhoe snuggled close to Jiwon.

Jiwon blinks his eyes open some hours later, confused when he feels the heavy weight on him. It takes it a moment to organize his thoughts and realize it’s Junhoe on top of him. The other man is dead to the world, wrapped like a koala around Jiwon. Jiwon can’t help but smile, and takes advantage of Junhoe’s deep sleep to press a gentle kiss against his forehead.

He grabs his phone from the bedside table to check the time. They still have about twenty minutes before his alarm goes off, but he’s not sure how happy Junhoe will be if he’s seen coming out of Jiwon’s room, in Jiwon’s underwear no less.

“Junhoe,” he says softly, shaking his shoulder. Junhoe groans and nuzzles farther into Jiwon’s chest. “Junhoe,” he says a little louder, shaking him with more force. Junhoe whines, but reluctantly opens his eyes.

“What?” he mumbles. 

“It’s almost quarter after six, we’ve got to get up,” Jiwon says, still shaking the sleepy Junhoe so he doesn’t just sink back into sleep.

“What if we didn’t get up?” Junhoe mumbles.

“Then the entire group would come in here and drag us out,” Jiwon says with a snort.

That gets Junhoe’s attention. He sits up, rubbing his face, and runs a hand through his hair. He looks incredibly sexy like that, and Jiwon wants to roll them over and make Junhoe come until he physically can’t. He flushes at his own thought, and sits up, pushing the covers off them. They both shiver in the early morning chill. 

“I should head back to my room,” Junhoe says.

“Probably,” Jiwon agrees, though it’s the last thing he wants to happen. 

“Thanks for last night, man,” Junhoe says, and before he can stop himself, he leans over and kisses Jiwon on the mouth. 

Jiwon, shocked can only say a small “Yeah, no problem.” He watches as Junhoe slips out of his room, before anyone can see him.

Jiwon flops back against his bed. He’s hard, and he pushes his boxers down, wrapping his hand around his dick, jerking himself off to the memory of Junhoe’s lips wrapped around his dick. He smothers his shout with his other hand as he comes, spilling over his hand. He cleans up quickly and crawls back under his covers, and doesn’t emerge until Hanbin comes and yells at him. 

They meet more frequently after that, always in Jiwon’s room, and always late at night after the other members are asleep. It’s turning Jiwon into a zombie during the day, the members constantly asking him if he’s sleeping. He claims insomnia, but he can’t ignore the worried looks they throw his way. Junhoe seems to have no such problems, appearing wide awake. He avoids Jiwon during the day, and Jiwon can feel himself spiraling into a depression.

 

But he’ll give Junhoe everything he wants. Sometimes it’s just lazy make out sessions, sometimes it’s quick hand jobs, but most of the time he gets to get his hand and mouth on Junhoe, gets to take him apart little by little until he shakes into pieces. It gives Jiwon the gratification he doesn’t get during the day.

He struggles through another day of practice, drawing Hanbin’s ire more than once. He keeps fucking up the same spot in the choreography. It’s not even a hard part. He feels his fist connect with the wall, and he hisses in pain.

“Jiwon,’ someone says, but he’s not listening. All he can hear is the thunder of his own pulse pounding in his ears. He storms out of the room, slamming to door behind him, and finds a quiet room to hole up in. He’s thankful no one follows him. He curls into a ball, numbly staring at his split knuckle, blood trickling slowly out of it. He ignores it, puts his head down and sleeps. 

When he wakes up, the world feels fuzzy, and he feels confused. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and sees it’s late, he’s slept several hours. He’s got a missed text from Hanbin. He dreads opening it, but does anyway.

“Don’t worry about coming back to practice, but come by my room tonight.”

It’s not bad like Jiwon expected. He sighs and sits up, his entire body protesting. He’s tempted to lay back down and just stay here all night. But Hanbin has summoned him, and it’s been too long since they’ve spent time together. 

He slinks out of the building, and back to the dorms. He skips his dorm entirely and heads straight for Hanbin’s. He opens the door with a little knock, and Hanbin looks up. 

“Wasn’t sure you were coming,” he says, face creased with concern. 

“Sorry I was sleeping,” Bobby mumbles.

Hanbin gestures him over, and Bobby goes willingly, sinking into the embrace of his best friend. Hanbin hugs him tight for a long minute, before gently letting him go. He takes Bobby’s hand in his, and carefully bandages it. He doesn’t comment on the cuts.

“C’mere,” he says, laying down, and patting the bed next to him. Jiwon goes, burying his face in Hanbin’s chest. Hanbin’s fingers work through his curls, and he kisses the top of Jiwon’s head. “Do you want to talk about it?” Hanbin asks. Jiwon shakes his head and Hanbin just hums. He strokes Jiwon’s back until he feels the older relaxing into him, dozing off again. Hanbin just tucks his face into Jiwon’s hair, and holds his best friend.

Jiwon feels better when he wakes up this time, warm in Hanbin’s embrace. He tries to carefully separate himself, but Hanbin stirs, and catches his wrist. Jiwon turns to him. 

“Don’t let this tear you apart, you deserve more than that, Jiwon,” he says, before letting go. Jiwon just nods at him, before slipping quietly out of the room, and the dorm. 

He heads down the stairs to his apartment, and is surprised to see lights on in his room. He carefully pushes the door open to see Junhoe slumped over on his bed, asleep. He stirs as Jiwon steps into the room.

“What are you doing?” Jiwon asks quietly.

“You’ve been gone for hours, I was worried,” Junhoe says, sitting up, and fiddling with the blankets. Jiwon looks so raw right now, and somehow Junhoe feels like he’s intruding.

“It’s fine. I blew off some steam and then I spent some time with Hanbin,” he says, still standing in the doorway. 

“Oh,” Junhoe says, and Jiwon doesn’t notice the jealousy laced in his voice.

“I’m fine,” Jiwon says, finally stepping fully into the room. Junhoe’s heart thuds as Jiwon approaches the bed. He crawls onto it, knees on either side of Junhoe’s lap. He settles there, but doesn’t move, forcing Junhoe to initiate things. Junhoe’s hands slip just under Jiwon’s shirt, rubbing circles on the warm flesh there. 

“Kiss me?” he asks.

Jiwon leans down, capturing Junhoe’s lips in a tender kiss. He’s sure he’s crossing some kind of line, but these feelings have been eating at him for months. Junhoe doesn’t seem to notice anyway, just kisses him back, lips soft and supple. Jiwon sucks Junhoe’s lower lip into his mouth, nibbling and sucking at it. Junhoe groans into it, grip on Jiwon’s hips tightening. Jiwon gets his fingers in Junhoe’s hair, and pulls his head back so he can nip and lick at Junhoe’s neck, Junhoe shudders and groans, and Jiwon can feel Junhoe’s hard on against his ass. He grinds down into it.

Junhoe lets go of Jiwon’s hips, to pull him back into another kiss, this one fiercer and dirtier, all tongue and teeth, and Jiwon leans into it until Junhoe is pressed against the wall, tugging on Junhoe’s hair.

But a voice in the back of his mind, which sound suspiciously like Hanbin stops him from going any farther, and he pulls away, and he moves off to the side.

“What?” Junhoe asks, confusion written on his face. And it’s not his fault, not really. He doesn't know what he does to Jiwon. For him this is just fun and games, but not for Jiwon.

“We need to talk,” Jiwon says, looking down at his bandaged hand. It’s throbbing dully. He hadn’t noticed before.

“Did I do something wrong?” Junhoe asks tentatively, voice sounding small. Jiwon hates it.

“No, I did,” Jiwon says.

“I don’t understand,” Junhoe says, reaching for Jiwon, who shrugs away from the touch.

“We started this as friends fucking around, but that’s never what it was for me,” Jiwon says. 

“Then what?” Junhoe asks, perplexed.

“I’m in love with you Junhoe. I have been for a long time, long before we started this. I thought having you close like this would be enough, but it’s not. It fucking hurts and I can’t do it anymore,” he chokes on his words. 

“I never meant to hurt you, Jiwon,” Junhoe starts, and Jiwon can hear the unsaid ‘but’.

“Just go Junhoe, please. Please.” He kneads his forehead with his fingertips until he feels the bed dip as Junhoe gets up and the door snicks shut. 

He waits until he’s sure Junhoe’s gone to creep out of the apartment again. He heads back to Hanbin’s room. Hanbin’s awake, like he’s been waiting for him, and he opens his arms, and Jiwon crawls into them. He buries his face in Hanbin’s chest, and lets out all the tears he’s been holding in for weeks.

Things get awkward between them again. This time it’s mostly Jiwon doing the avoiding. He can feel Junhoe’s eyes wander to him, but ignores it, stretching before practice starts. He sees Junhoe out of the corner of his eye open his mouth, like he wants to say something. He must think better of it, because he doesn’t say anything.

Jiwon isolates himself, barely spending any time with his members. He spends most of his time holed up in the studio, drowning himself in music. He keeps the door locked and pretends not to hear Donghyuk and Jinhwan when they try to come in. He shows up at practice right before it starts and leaves the second it’s over.

Hanbin is his only solace. He spends the nights he’s not in the studio in Hanbin’s room, lets his best friend soothe away his agitation. Hanbin keeps telling him it’s not his fault, but his tone of voice implies neither of them is at fault, which isn’t what Jiwon really wants to hear, but he knows deep down Hanbin is right. Doesn’t mean he’ll admit it though.

Jiwon hasn’t been inside his dorm in a week, has barely slept, and isn’t sure of the last time he slept. He can feel himself flying towards a cliff, and he’s not sure what he’ll find at the bottom once he falls. The rest of the group seems to sense it too. Yunhyeong pats him on the shoulder and talks to him cheerfully, trying to pretend for his sake like nothing is wrong. Jinhwan just eyes him warily. He’s seen Jiwon like this before, and isn’t looking forward to the explosion that will come along with it. The rest of the members cower away. Hanbin is the only one who treats him the same, still barks orders at him, and Jiwon is thankful for it.

Jinhwan manages to corner him a few days later. He’s forgotten to lock the studio door, and he can’t ignore the man when he unplugs Jiwon’s headphones, and spins his chair around to face him.  
“What do you want?” Jiwon grumbles.

“I want you to tell me what’s going on,” Jinhwan says, arms crossed.

“Nothing,” Jiwon lies, turning back to the computer.

“Don’t pull that bullshit with me Jiwon, we both know I can see straight through your little act. We all can, but Hanbin and I know you better than anyone else, and apparently Hanbin is in the know.” Jiwon doesn’t miss the twinge of hurt in Jinhwan’s voice. 

He sighs and spins his chair back around. “It’s nothing, Nani,” he says. “It’s something I need to handle on my own anyway.” Jinhwan steps forward and Jiwon reaches for him, pulling him into his lap. He buries his face against Jinhwan and breathes.

“I know it’s between you and Junhoe,” he says quietly, and Jiwon stiffens. “He’s been walking around like a kicked puppy and you’re no better. Me and Hanbin just want to help you, and the other members do too. We just don’t know how,” Jinhwan says. He rests his head on top of Jiwon’s and Jiwon wraps his arms around him.

“I don’t know either,” he mumbles. He’s a heartbroken fool and he doesn’t know how to fix it, when the object of his affection doesn’t want him back.

It’s nearly a month later when Jiwon and Junhoe are left alone in a room together. The tension builds, and Jiwon tries to ignore it. Junhoe is fidgeting on the other side of the room. Jiwon sighs and rubs his temple. He’d have left already if Hanbin hadn’t threatened him. He has a feeling Jinhwan did the same to Junhoe. He throws himself into a chair, and crosses his arms, staring at the wall in front of him.

He’s not sure how long the silence goes on before Junhoe finally gets the courage to speak. “Jiwon,” he says softly. Jiwon turns his head just slightly to acknowledge that he’s heard. “Can we talk?”

Jiwon turns to look at Junhoe. “About?” he says, voice cold.

“About everything that happened,” Junhoe says, and Jiwon can sense Junhoe’s courage faltering. But he doesn’t care because weeks of pent up anger come spilling out of his mouth.

“You mean how I confessed to you, and you broke my heart and left?”

Junhoe stares at him for a moment. “You asked me to leave Jiwon, that’s not fair,” he says.

“I wanted you to stay,” Jiwon snaps. “Stay and tell me that you feel the same way, and that you want to be with me.”

“I do feel the same way Jiwon,” Junhoe says, and Jiwon stops dead.

“What do you mean?” he asks after a long pause. 

“I do feel the same way and I do want to be with you,” Junhoe says, eyes focused on his hands. 

“Then why,” Jiwon starts, confused.

“I got scared,” Junhoe says. “Being confronted with my feelings for real. It was never just fucking around to me either. You were - are- the only person I want to do those things with. But then I wondered if the boys would judge us, and everything was all so new, so I panicked.”

Jiwon is on his feet now, moving towards Junhoe. He grabs Junhoe by the front of his shirt, and Junhoe looks up at him, eyes wide. “I could kill you,” he says, but his voice sounds relieved. “C’mere,” he says, and pulls Junhoe in for a kiss. He means it to be tender and gentle, but a month’s worth of frustration and uncertainty is poured into it, and it ends up being rough and sloppy, and he’s got Junhoe pushed up against the wall. He pushes everything into the kiss, how he thought he’d lost Junhoe forever, how glad he is that he didn’t.

And Junhoe seems to feel the same way from the way he pulls Jiwon closer with one hand, and tugs at his hair with the other. Jiwon slips his leg between Junhoe’s, and Junhoe can’t help but groan into the kiss. They’re both getting turned on, but Jiwon pulls away. “Not here,” he says, barely able to keep himself away from Junhoe’s lips.

They stumble back to the dorm, which is thankfully empty, and Jiwon pulls Junhoe into his room, kicking the door shut behind them. He kisses Junhoe deeply, before pushing him away. “Clothes off,” he says, already pulling his own shirt off. Junhoe strips quickly, and Jiwon pushes him onto the bed, crawling in next to him.

The kiss this time is frantic but sweet, two lovers confessing. Their hands explore each other’s bodies, hands feeling and groping. Junhoe moans into Jiwon’s mouth, and Jiwon pulls him closer, squeezes Junhoe’s ass. 

“Junhoe,” he says softly when they finally break apart. “I want to go farther.”

Junhoe shivers as a rush of lust flows through him. “I want that too,” he whispers. 

The tension in the room rises as Jiwon grabs the bottle of lube he keeps in his bed side table, and settles between Junhoe’s legs.

“You can tell me to stop at any time okay?” he says, and Junhoe nods, giving him a trusting look.   
Jiwon pours some lube on his fingers, rubbing them together to warm it. With his other hand, he guides Junhoe’s dick into his mouth. He sucks on the tip as he slowly presses a finger into Junhoe. Junhoe moans, running his hands through Jiwon’s hair. Jiwon pumps lightly with his finger until he can tell Junhoe can take another. He begins to bob his head as he pushes a second finger in. Junhoe shifts, and Jiwon slows, but bobs his head faster, until Junhoe is a distracted moaning mess. He carefully begins to scissor him. Junhoe’s hand tightens in his hair but he doesn’t tell Jiwon to stop. 

Jiwon pulls off of Junhoe with an obscene popping noise. “Can you take one more finger?” he asks, pressing a kiss to the inside of Junhoe’s thigh.

“If I’m gonna take your dick in my ass, I guess I’m gonna have to,” Junhoe says, and Jiwon snorts. He goes back to sucking Junhoe’s dick as he carefully pushes a third finger inside. Junhoe hisses, and Jiwon takes him deep in his throat, swallowing around him. It works as Junhoe breathes out a shaky moan. Jiwon begins to scissor him again, gently, working his fingers deeper. 

Junhoe’s hips are moving now, thrusting up into Jiwon’s mouth in one motion, and down against his fingers in the next movement. Jiwon’s fingers brush against the sensitive bundle of nerves, and Junhoe shouts. Jiwon almost chokes on Junhoe’s dick as he laughs. He begins to pump his fingers more rapidly, pressing against Junhoe’s prostate with every pass as he continues deep throating him.

“Fuck, Jiwon, fuck,” Junhoe whines, before coming without warning, spilling down Jiwon’s throat. Jiwon works him dry, sucking until Junhoe is pushing him away. He pulls off, and slides his fingers out of Junhoe.

He rubs circles on Junhoe’s hip. “You good?” Jiwon asks softly.

“Yeah,” Junhoe breathes. “I can take more,” he says.

Jiwon slowly begins to push in farther, stopping when Junhoe whines. “It’s okay,” Jiwon soothes.

“I’m okay,” Junhoe protests, despite the heavy rise and fall of his chest. “Just go slow,” he says.

Jiwon hitches Junhoe’s hips up around his waist, earning a tentative moan, and leans forward to kiss Junhoe. It’s biting and sharp and tender all at the same time, pouring unspoken words into it. Jiwon continues to push into Junhoe until he’s seated against him. He pulls away with one last kiss, and runs a hand through Junhoe’s hair.

He leans back and looks at where they’re joined. “Jesus,” Jiwon groans. “You look so fucking sexy like this, all spread out for me.” He rubs a finger around Junhoe’s asshole, and Junhoe lets out a shaky moan.

“Jiwon, move please, please I’m ready,” Junhoe whines, reaching for Jiwon. And Jiwon goes to him, their chests pressed together, and Junhoe’s legs wrapped loosely around Jiwon’s waist. Jiwon pulls almost all the way out, before pushing back in in a single stroke. Junhoe’s voice hitches and he moans into Jiwon’s shoulder. “Again,” he begs, and Jiwon is weak but to indulge him. He thrusts a little harder, loving the moan he pulls out of Junhoe. It’s desperate and needy.

“I’m gonna fuck you,” Jiwon says, trailing kisses across Junhoe’s face and down his neck. He buries his face in the crook of Junhoe’s neck and begins to thrust harder, faster. He listens for signs of Junhoe’s discomfort, but hears none. Junhoe drags his nails down Jiwon’s back as he thrusts harder, and it hurts so good.

“God Junhoe,” Jiwon breathes around a moan. “You’re fucking beautiful,so fucking beautiful.”

“Jiwon,” Junhoe whines embarrassed. Jiwon just smile and kisses his way back up to Junhoe’s face, their eyes meeting.

“Disagree all you want, but you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, and I love you.”

Junhoe’s face turns pink. “I love you too,” he says, before pushing himself up a bit to get at Jiwon’s lips. They kiss as Jiwon steadily fucks Junhoe. It tapers off to them breathing into each other’s space. 

“Fuck, I’m so close,” Jiwon groans, and Junhoe wraps his legs tighter around Jiwon’s waist. 

“Come on,” he says, digging his heels into Jiwon’s back, and Jiwon picks up his pace, fucking into Junhoe, who’s squeezing around him, and he comes with a wordless shout, burying his face in Junhoe’s shoulder again, his thrusts growing erratic. Junhoe moans with him, and strokes his hair when his body gives out and he collapses onto Junhoe.

“I’m sleepy,” Junhoe mumbles, and Jiwon smiles. 

“Let’s get clean before we sleep, otherwise we’ll regret it. He carefully pulls out of Junhoe, and finds the box of wipes. He wipes Junhoe down first, before cleaning himself up. He pulls the covers over the both of them, and pulls Junhoe close.

“No more running away, okay?” Jiwon mumbles.

“You’re stuck with me,” Junhoe answers before tucking Jiwon into his arms and drifting off to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is dedicated to renata who has been so supportive since i first sent her my idea for this. i hope you all liked it


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